The death of a child...And a personal revelation...

So, for those who don't know I used to live in the Burlington, Ont. area. There I had many neighbours/friends. One of these friends had a very sick little boy. He had cancer. His battle began over three years ago and ended this Friday...

Outside of the "general" sadness any decent person would feel when a child dies, I found myself deeply saddened, but I didn't really know why. I mean, I know Gavin, although he was 2yrs old when I moved to Ottawa, he was over five when he lost his fight. I knew his parents, I have seen some of there struggles, and through http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/superherogavin was able to track their up's and down's, their successes and setbacks, so maybe the digital world is what made this feel somehow much closer then it really was. Through the web, and associated email updates, it felt like I was getting the information minutes after his Mom and Dad did at the hospital. Near the end I anxiously waited for an email update, hoping and praying that good news would come...But good news was pretty hard to come by in the final weeks...So now, if I can arrange it, I will head to Burlington to pay my final respects, give his Mom and Dad a big hug and shed my fair share of tears...

Now for the revelation...

As I said earlier I prayed...Where, in the shower a little after hearing the bad news. What was I praying for? Salvation? That's already guaranteed, Gavin was awesome and only 5. And who was I praying to? Those who know me would say I am spiritual but I wouldn't say I follow any one doctrine to closely. A major area of most religions I can't agree with is the notion that "God" chooses who lives and dies...This is a deal breaker for me. My usual example of the hypocrisy is this: If you win the lottery, it was God's will. But if your child or loved one dies, God works in mysterious ways. Well, in my logic controlled world, you can't have it both ways. If you want the praise/thanks of a good deed, you must take the anger/hate when something bad happens. Now, I could throw more examples, but I think this proves why I have the position I do. So back to my realization, which then caused me to question the above statement that God doesn't choose or make people die...Let's look at the following scenario. Let's say one of my Children were to pass-away from illness or some other random act. What would I feel? Most feelings are obvious; anger, outrage, sadness, sorrow, bewilderment, etc. And where or what would I blame. Based on my previous position, it can't be at God since he doesn't decide, it can't be at me or my wife (assuming we weren't to blame) or at some random stranger. It would simply be at the world, at how cruel, or random it is that Life took my child. How could I ever rationalize this in my head, how do you go on, how can you forgive something which doesn't exist that isn't tangible, that has no shape or face or real meaning...With the overriding anger towards nothing, towards Life, do you ever really move on or heal, if only a little bit. Then it hit me, maybe, just maybe God does choose who lives and dies, but not because of some grand plan, but so that those left behind can move on. Think about, (well before you do, you have to be willing to allow that God exists and that there is something more after life) we die, our soul or being leaves our body and God takes care of everything else. Existentially we move on to a beautiful, blue sky world, even if only perceptually. If we assume all is good for the one who died, then what about those left behind. What good do they get or see? If we assume my first notion that it was random, then we are left to pace about waiting for our random event, missing our loved one and pissed-off that our spin of roulette came up with a bullet. Or the other option...God is to blame for the same randomness, and not just a cruel twist of fate. So now there is someone to blame for your senseless loss, a face (per-say) to direct your anger, resentment and sadness towards. Maybe then, when you open your door tomorrow you do so without reservation, without the same sort of fear that randomness brings. You see, if the world was random, human arrogance would let us believe that we might be able to "fool the system" sway it one way or another, and inevitably when we failed we would be left with no-one to blame, but ourselves. Assuming there is a God, he is willing to sacrifice your love or faith or trust in him, so that for however many days you have left on earth, you can get up, open your door, walk outside and go on. He knows that maybe you will never forgive him, or trust him the same way, or love him again. But that's ok, that is the selfless act, the gift-if-you-will, to help us not let a moment of sadness ruin the rest of our days...

So debate me on the existence of God, tell me there is no proof, challenge me to show you some evidence that proves he is there.
But ask yourself this...
Does it really matter?
Does he have to exist for us to benefit from belief?
Or is it just as valuable for us to believe he exists without any proof?

Thanks for reading...

The musings of a sad guy.